i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
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