she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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