So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
