we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
