Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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