did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
it was like his penis was on wheels.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I deserve this hangover.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
