I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She's the barista slut.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
