Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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