Dude my mom stole all your condoms
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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