You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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