totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
