There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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