Don't you send me to vm
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
