there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
The ass gains better be worth it
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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