Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
