i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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