so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
