My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
