Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
