I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
