I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
is wine microwaveable?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize