and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
