Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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