Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
