so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
