you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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