Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
