Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
