I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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