Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
