My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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