why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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