This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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