I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
