I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
