Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Randomize
