Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
