Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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