i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
