don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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