I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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