cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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