got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
