Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
