explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
