my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
