Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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