onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
how drunk are you?
Several
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
