So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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