Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
