you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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