You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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