when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
