Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
