Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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