and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize