You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
