At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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