she woke up with a sticky ear
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize