The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
