I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
